Here are a few things to note down:
1) It may get personal, but that’s okay
2) It may be “deep”, but that’s just a perception
3) It may get real, but guess what, it’s reality (SURPRISE)
Setting: Corner of the vibrant city of Hong Kong, Mong Kong, on a sunny afternoon
Mood: Unprepared, a little empty yet physically full
Destination: A completely or partially written blog so I can study about China’s constitutional monarchy in the 1910s (very exciting) (be proud of me PAUL)
Starting my engines just about…. now
I’ve been delaying this, and when I say delaying I mean making this a priority among all the other priorities I have in my long stretched schedule which is longer than all my shoes alined (that’s a lot fyi). I simply do not have the time to sit at a coffee shop and write, I simply do not have the time to lay by the pool and fall asleep and I simply don’t have the time to open my biology book because I have my history notes wide open. But what do I truly have the time for and WHY do I have the time for one thing but not the other. OH.
Time is like money, money is just time. Slips away like those pennies in your pocket from late nights, just like how you used that last 100 dollar note to buy a pair of shorts rather than saving it for your “ever so dreamt of” vacation to Hawaii. It’s a choice, a compromise and mostly a matter of what matters.
In my head, it’s a social construct, a theory we humans abide by to stay focused and on task. To not only document our present but to ensure we have a reason behind our past. So yes I do not have the time, but here I am making some. Producing it just like those factories in China, efficiently but not sure how ethically. Almost like a man made machine, working for countless hours, with my wire like legs and my precisely angled arms on my laptop. But yet again, aren’t we man made anyway? Yes, we are a biological phenomenon where your loving father’s sperm meet your angelic mother’s egg while they make love on a crocked bed. Yes, I just typed that. My point is, just like a clock is hard wired to tick away into the far future, so are we , and we will reach our inevitable end when we realize we probably should have kept some of that “time”, or “space” or “ticking time bomb” for ourselves. You will not get the time you want if you do not choose to keep some. It’ll just end up leaving your hands like sand.
I’ve been thinking recently, quite a lot. I have a lot of things I want to achieve, there are way too many things I want to do. I’m a dreamer I admit, I live more in the made up fantasies in my head than I do in the “real world”.
“REAL WORLD” – DEFINITION
[ree-uh l, reel]
(noun) the realm of practical or actual experience, as opposed to the abstract, theoretical, or idealized sphere of the classroom, laboratory, etc.:
So yes I live in my made up scenarios, where Romeo/Juliet don’t necessarily fall in love with me, they just gives me a hug once in a while when I’m little less of a chatter mouth. (I talk quite a bit, very surprising yet again).In my head, I’ve been to Europe back and forth over ten times by now. In reality, I just been planing an absolutely dream-like, rather impossible yet very much doable Europe trip this summer. On the road with my lovely multi cultured friends(you know who you are <3). Mind you I’m a 16 year old from a upper middle class family which is the absolute definition of why the generation gap is both a pain and a blessing. My grandparents on one hand are hard core Indian conservatives, but their love for their grand daughter wins above all. My parents are understanding but have restrictions, yes they let their only daughter do the IB and dye her hair blue(to some extent) but I am not even 50 % aware of what they think of her travelling the world by herself. But again, that only child has a plan, she has a dream and when she gets an idea of what she wants, she endlessly will dwell on it. (whether it becomes reality or not, that’s a whole different side of her) (may be discussed later)
Between my dreams of travelling to Europe in a month to the fact my seniors will be leaving in the same time, I’ve been being a very typical teenager. Sleeping at 3 am from talking with countless faces about more or less everything. From mental disorders to why love is as painful as it is rewarding. You are your intentions kids, remember ;). I’ve been on my laptop googling flights and eating, dressing up to go out and eating and thinking of food while eating. I’ve been eating. I’m always eating. It’s come to the point where I’m questioning the theory whether we human eat to live anymore. I’ve been eating the pain away, literally and not so literally. I’m a workaholic. When I’m not working, I FIND SOMETHING TO KEEP ME BUSY. Maybe also why I eat so frequently. This 4 day break has been such the insight to a teenagers life. The world is crashing on me screaming that i’ll sign papers giving me yet again more education in about a year. At the same time, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO JUST YET WITH MYSELF.
I’m a mess, I’m a TEENAGE mess. I’m a girl stitched with good intentions and stories of people’s struggles and anxiety issues. Not my own, because I don’t show weakness very often. Even if that’s one building block I fear yet treasure the most. I’m the same teenage mess that cleans after people’s mistakes, listen to crying faces at 4 am and the same teenage mess that enjoys being a teenage mess because I spend all my time being people’s comfort zone. But, in all fairness, the mess I am in is justified. Much like everything in this little planet, it’s my choices and intentions which got me here. Selfish or selfless, you make that decision. All just everyday issues, nothing too extraordinary. Just late night dancing and caffeine, on the same ground I educate myself. The same place I talk about gender equality and plant based eating. The same place where my PMS meets the sleep deprived population of Saturday nights. The same place I will dance my night away just like my seniors did 4 days ago, this time someone will be planning it for us instead . This time I’ll be the one graduating. This time it won’t be just a what if, I’ll be a THIS is it. Just another blow and I’ll be there .
Yet, I’m happy. I have everything I love, I love everything I have. I’m grateful even if at times I forget all that I am blessed with . I’m imperfect and accept it, even if I look at my acne prone skin and feel a little less beautiful than the other girl. I’m not first term Gio, I’m flawed, lied to, vegetarian sushi filled Giovanna. I don’t spend my nights painting my nails with the same people, or wasting my time bantering with the same group. But. I’m okay with that. As surprising as it is, I’ve accepted that I moved with the waves which were lifted for me, I embarked forward with the ticking of each second. I am okay that some people just didn’t give a single s***, and people will always think of their benefit in each and every situation(it’s what we are biologically functioned to be). However, I will always care, because human intentions are forever undefined. Why live and miss the past when you aren’t even living in it no longer. The present, your present is where you will make the difference. It’s the place where picking up that pen and writing will get your somewhere. It’s when telling your parents about your sexuality will trigger a response. It’s about the curiosity which will allow you to proceed to where you want to be, where you explore the countless possibilities of your being, the entity which is your blood, flesh and tears. Just like a cup of black coffee, where the caffeinated poison meets the industrialised white milk . To which you add the sugar, and the cinnamon and the cream and then the hazelnut glaze. Till the perfect cup is ready to sip away on your way to the path, which is your destiny. You brew your cup, darling.
First term Giovanna is proud of her mistakes, of her insecurities, of her missed chances and her immature decisions. Second term Giovanna thanks the people for her memories, for her laughter filled rooftop talks, to those who were once friends and now strangers, to lovers which were short lived but still beautiful. She invites you to her future where even the bitter bits are worth it.
Where her present, not past will get her
LIVE WHOLE HEARTEDLY